I Love Her
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-13
Published: 2012-07-09 17:38:47
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Romance, Humor, Hiei, Mukuro

Hiei and his many attempts to tell Mukuro that he loves her. Or the one in which people need to learn how to knock before entering. Should call it Knock Before Entering, huh?

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
It has a few of the things that annoy me about Hiei/Mukuro stories. The fact that these guys are always training is one. I should have addressed their unnecessary formalities... I mean, these guys never once talked to each other like, "My lady", "My heir." Though it's not as commonplace as it used to. Actually they never once drop a honorific either. Take that anyway you want. But we English speakers who know nothing of the subs wouldn't know the difference anyway. In any case, we need to laugh at these guys more. Come on now... By the way, apparently Yu Yu Hakusho is about as Buddhist as Supernatural is Christian. (Meaning a lot.) The lyrics to the song are: Your cats are like fish in a fire and cake sand chocolates and chocolates. I like your horses in the sea. Rice with chicken. Hair! Hair! Hair! I knew a man. No I made that part up. Hair! Hair! Camel holocaust. Camel holocaust. (The lyrics to a song in the brilliant David Wong's book John Dies at the End.)

I Love Her

(Or the alternate title "Convenient Interruptions" or better yet "There's a pen in my oatmeal!")


"Hey Kurama, when are you gonna get a girlfriend?" Yusuke asked, jabbing him with an elbow. "I mean, I see a bunch of girls hanging around you but you never date any of them. And if I see you with a girl you go and say, 'She's just a friend.' Or is Mr. Perfect afraid of commitment?"

"Yeah, I'm not a one woman man," Kurama replied sarcastically, obviously not his first time going into that subject. "Actually, I haven't seen Keiko in a while... Or Yukina. I've been working too much, you know? I haven't had the chance to really catch up with anyone lately." Did somebody say red herring?

"Oh come on! We all have girlfriends except you! I mean, even Hiei has a girlfriend and he's a jerk!" Kuwabara added half jokingly.

"I was just saying because I actually thought he'd be the most likely to have one, not because we're all on the bandwagon," Yusuke sighed. Definitely missing the point in the prior statement.

"Okay, one- Yukina doesn't even like you..." Hiei was interrupted.

"Hey! Shut up, Shrimp! Yukina loves me! A lot too!" Kuwabara flicked a pea at him. Or at least everyone hoped it was a pea.

"In the same way someone loves a friend... If that. And two it's not even like that."

"I'll... I'll show you Yukina loves me!" Completely disregarding the final statement, Kuwabara ran out and found Yukina to whom he confessed his love which was tallied to be about the fiftieth time plus or minus another. Yukina of course replied in sheepish confusion, "Thanks?" He rushed back into the room looking proud and about as red as watermelon meat. Hiei rolled his eyes at that.

"Oh come on, Hiei. You mean to tell us that you're lived with her three years now and nothing's happened?" Yusuke asked jokingly. "We know you've done it."

"No. Really."

"What, slow and steady wins the race?"

"Just shut up." Awkward silence.

"So Kurama..." Kurama gave him a blank look.

Unfortunately it wasn't as it seems. How do idiots like Kuwabara just say something like that so easily? (Might as well ask why do fools fall in love.) He couldn't figure out a way to tell Mukuro that he loved her. When he did gather up all the gall to go out and say it, it usually came out completely wrong. (At one point it was, "I... I think actions taken towards the Middle East are shallow and pedantic." to which she sarcastically replied, "Yes, I also agree, shallow and pedantic." What did that mean anyway?) Contrary to popular belief, their relationship never progressed. The average day consisted of his working, entering her room, and having a five to ten minute conversation with Mukuro before falling asleep on her chair. Repeat five times a day. He found himself questioning why he wanted that routine to change. He couldn't understand the whole concept's importance at all. In fact, he considered himself, and more recently Mukuro, to be living contradictions to a certain song sung by a certain band named after a certain insect. And yet he felt that gap. It was too irrational, too below himself, too... Kuwabara-ish. (Why does love turn people into idiots?)

When Hiei returned home, he went back to his routine and as he returned to his usual spot on Mukuro's chair, she asked him, "You came back? I thought you wouldn't be. I never sent anyone after you... Not that I would normally plan to whenever you leave."

"What, you didn't want me to return?" he asked.

"No, you can come and go as much as you want. I don't care. It's all your decision and I can't tell you what to do."

"There's nothing important out there. All I need is over here."

"Oh that's... generous of you. Most people would jump at the chance of leaving this place. I'm just telling you specifically because I had you come with me. Everyone else just likes to be around here just because they're used to it being that way. They just hate the work. Or I should hope that's the rationale."

"Yeah, like I said. All I need is over here because..." Here is comes. Then Hiei's shoulder angel appeared, strumming his littel harp in what sounded like a horrible translation from the music from Psycho.

"Go ahead and tell her. There's nothing wrong with that," the angel said with a mellow smile on his face.

"Yeah! Just throw her on the ground and tell her that way! She'll get that message loud and clear and she'll be feeling it tomorrow morning too!" the shoulder devil laughed as he appeared, poking Hiei's cheek with his spiked tail and pitchfork.

"First of all, quit poking me. I don't know where that... thing's been..." Hiei was interrupted.

"Oh, just stabbing the wrists of the sinners! Haha!"

"That is very un-Buddhist right there. And secondly you're both idiots..."

Okay he's mumbling into his shoulders... Mukuro thought as she cocked a brow. Then the Mukuro shoulder angel appeared... Okay. Just stop and think about that. Just think about that.

"Ask him about his troubles," the angel said.

What troubles and why is he...? Oh wait. Come to think of it, since when did we have shoulder angels? This fails logic.

"Other than to personify your conscience and draw a metaphor to thought?"

Yeah other than that.

"Yeah ask him and then throw him across the room and..." the Mukuro shoulder devil started stabbing her elbow with her pitchfork only to get thrown away.

Oh god... That thing just touched me! When the shoulder angel attempted to comfort her, she quickly threw it away too. After a couple of awkward minutes attempting to ward off the shoulder... entities there was silence.

"But as I said before there's nothing waiting for me out there so if I left it would be really pointless. I'd have nowhere to go," Hiei said to break the unnerving silence.

"Not true. Not if you left knowing what you were looking for," Mukuro replied with a sigh.

"But it would be temporary, wouldn't it?"

"Not if you found a source of stability. Or if you decide to become a great philosopher trying to define happiness, life, love..." Hiei cringed at the word. "...or the taste of water."

"What kind? Tap, spring, river, rain, ocean, fresh...?"

"You're really missing the point."

"Yeah, well, I could define those things easily and I'm not even that smart." And he proceeded to do so before she could give him a witty response to his last statement, "Happiness is... It's waking up knowing that you still have two more hours left to keep sleeping. Life is... Finding inner peace or something like that. And love is... Er..."

"Can't think of a brilliant statement anymore? I like the simplicity of the first one but I don't think I can agree... The second one is arguable but that one I'm not sure... Unless you take into account whether or not someone can be alive without ever having truly lived. But what makes that justifiable too...? Please don't become a philosopher. You don't... Just no."

"Not even if they promised me... Whatever their definition of eternal happiness is."

"And going back to what you said before... You're only here because you get food and shelter."

"Well, that's one thing but... You're here. Because you're fun to be around and... When I said that thing about happiness I really meant... I... You... Er..." Okay go for it! "Mukuro, I..."

Just then Shigure entered the room frantically. "Lord Mukuro! Kirin accidentally-" Hiei held up two fingers and gestured to make kinesthetic quotes knowing well that Shigure could see him (which was most likely why he did it) "-got stabbed by a pen AGAIN!"

"Again? How many times has this happened? And we have pens? Quit horsing around, you..." She stopped and turned to Hiei, "We'll continue this conversation when I get back. It shouldn't take too long. It never does."

So Hiei waited. And waited. How long does it take to get a pen unstuck? And how DID it end up in him anyway? Come to think of it, why is Mukuro the one doing it when she's about half his size? It sounds really difficult. And he waited some more. The next thing he knew he was waking from a nap and Mukuro was asleep on her bed. He sat there, trying to calculate the time that he had spent sleeping. (I mean, how long would it take to get a pen out of some fool?) Just as he resolved to leave the room and go back to business, she started to mumbled and twitch in her sleep. He just stopped and watched her. It was really... Charming? (Apparently for the lack of a better word.)

Wait, why am I finding that to be cute? This is just wrong! Damn you testosterone! Oxytocin! Euphoria! Progesterone! (A female hormone?) Serotonin! Lithium! Prozac! Tylenol! RI-CO-LA!

He sighed and returned to his seat. He began to measure the possibilities... "Guess what! I loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you!"

"OMG! I luff you too! Let's get married and have twenty children! (Heart)" Okay, I can think of at least twenty things wrong with that. And I didn't love her from the beginning. I thought she was creepy. And weird. But she's a good kind of weird... Wait, that's stupid! I'm being stupid! There's only one kind of weird and that's the bad kind!

"It's imperative that you know that I am deeply and irrevocably infatuated with you such that referring to it as a fancy would not do it justice." Now that one sounds like I got a thesaurus and a dictionary and picked words. Does all of that actually mean anything together?

"Yukina! I love you!" Great, how'd Kuwabra get in my head? I can never escape that idiot. How CAN he say something like that so easily? Do I even have to ask? Why DOES love turn people into idiots? ...Not that he had any sense to begin with. Maybe I should just tell her when she's awake. She won't know what I'm saying.

"Or you could do the nonverbal response and let her feel your love!" the Hiei shoulder devil said with a smirk.

"What is it with you and sex?" Hiei asked.

"Because it's evil! ...I'm also your subconscious, remember?"

"Have some respect for the woman, you!" the Hiei shoulder angel growled, pointing his harp at him accusingly.

"Oh, shut up, Mr. Goody-two-shoes! Since when did he ever really listen to you?!" He made motions like he was about to choke the angel.

"Actually more times that you think. He'd be dead without me."

"I'm ignoring you both!" Hiei grumbled.

"I have something for you to say!" the devil said, holding up a paper (where and when the paper came into existence, no one knows) though he looked more than a little upset.

"'I'm in love with those blue apples you call eyes. Give them to me!' Okay, first of all, apples aren't even blue. And that just sounds stupid." The angel held up another paper. "'Get out of my dreams, get into my car.' Since when do I drive? And that's the worst pickup line I've heard. And I'm a guy." The devil held up another. "'Is that a mirror in your pocket because I see myself in your pants.' She'd kill me for that. 'Will you be the sine to my cosine so that we can be one?' That means nothing to me. 'Can I get you a drink?' What? 'I wish you were DNA so I could unzip your jeans.' Okay now. And you're the angel. 'If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.' Would you quit that? You know what? This is ridiculous that I have to have shoulder whatever-the-hell-you-ares making up bad pickup lines for me!"

"Fine! I'll go stab the wrists of Hitler and make Stalin eat the leftovers!" the devil disappeared after reciting a... Well, you remember that one line from The Exorcist? That one.

"She most certainly does not!" the angel grumbled and disappeared as well.

"I'm listening to my heart!" Apparently Hiei was determined now.

His heart: "Please stop eating so much grease. Your cholesterol is too high. Your blood pressure oddly enough is still kind of low. But let's not worry about that because you're a small guy."

"Ugh. Okay. I'd live with doing what my gut feels!"

His stomach: "Feed me! So hungry... Haven't eaten... In five minutes."

"Actually that's not true. And I'll be smart and stop before it gets below the belt because we all know what that'll say." He stood by her bed and sighed. What do I do? This is so stupid!

At that moment Mukuro woke up. She noticed Hiei's presence and looked mildly disturbed. "Were... Wait, were you watching me sleep? Like a stalker?"

"Really. I heard a lot of girls would find that romantic."

"Do I look thirteen and stupid to you?"

"Well, look, there was something important I was going to tell you but then you left to get that pen out of Kirin so I couldn't finish."

"Oh. Right. Still doesn't justify that you were... Oh, whatever. Go ahead."

"Well, Mukuro.... I..." Sigh. "I... I, er... I.... I..." And an anvil hit him on the head like in the Looney Toon cartoons.

When he woke up, Mukuro was crouched near him. "Sorry. I forgot that anvil was in here. How many fingers am I holding up right now?"

"Four plus a thumb. What the hell was that doing in here anyway?" Hiei sat up, feeling his head throbbing.

"Safety measure. If a vampire were to show up in the middle of the night like they do I wouldn't get attacked right away because I would hear the trap go off. It's the brilliant engineering of a Grandaran POW."

"I'm not going to ask."

"You should rest."

"No! I have to tell you something important! I... I can't sleep. Someone is being WRONG ON THE INTERNET!"

"Very insightful. That was it. That was your news."

"No! The opposite! I... I.... Listen, I... I..."

Shigure came in. "Lord Mukuro! Kirin got stabbed by a pen!"

"Take it out yourself, dim bulb! You're the damn doctor in here! Can't you see that I'm trying to have a conversation with her right now?! Get out of here! In fact, why do you even do what he says?" he asked as he turned to Mukuro, who simply shrugged. Shigure grumbled something and left the room after kicking a puppy which somehow found its way into Mukuro's room.

"Is it really that important?" Mukuro asked.

"What, you wanted to get that pen out?" Hiei cocked a brow.

"Well, no, but if I were the only qualified person..."

"Well, you're not so drop it!" A crossbow nearly missed splitting his head open. "And how many of those damned vampire traps do you have in here?!"

"Seventeen. Well, fifteen now that you set off two. I think they might be malfunctioning today. I think you're standing on one of them now, now that I think about it. You don't happen to have vampire blood, do you?"

"Vampire blood? Are you serious! Do you really need that much security?"

"Hey, you don't want someone to break into YOUR room to drink YOUR blood in the middle of the night! Besides that they might malfunction once in a blue moon but at least it helps me sleep better at night!"

"Vampires don't exist! Don't you realize that?"

"Yeah they do!"

"Okay, where are your sources?!"

"Well, they... They exist! Shut up! They do! We have nothing to fear but vampires and fear itself!"

"What about snakes?" Sarcastically.

To add to Hiei's comment. "We have nothing to fear but snakes, spiders, clowns, the dark, dying alone, werewolves, vampires, ghosts, heights, Johnson's wife AND fear itself. What's your problem that's so important?"

"I... Do you have any paper? I don't want to be interrupted again."

"Not at the moment."

"Then I'll write it on my hand. Do you have pens?"

"Again. Not at the moment."

"Then I'll just write it in my own blood."

"Stop right there. Look, I'll stop you there. If it's really that important I'll tell anyone who comes in to turn around ans take care of it themselves. So go ahead. Tell me."

"The second I open my mouth you'll have to go out again."

"The more we go on like this the more room you leave for such things." Hiei growled and stormed out. What, just because I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear? Looks like it's not that important. She stood up and walked to the closet that magically appeared in her room. She opened the door and reached for a hanger with an elegant sun dress on it. She stared at it looking slightly appalled. "What is this doing in here? Who put this in here- I mean, it obviously wasn't me. I don't think I ever bought this."

She shoved it back in the closet to contemplate later. She sat down to consider an internal problem of her own... Those three words. Those damned three words everyone says too often but not to the extent that it actually means anything to anyone. As far as she was concerned those three empty words were just a device to sell some cute product that only works once or twice when used at home. And yet it still had that much of a hold.

No, I won't say anything to him. I'm not going to force that stuff onto him. I don't think he really feels the same about me.... Why am I thinking like a brain dead fifteen year old? Upon her disgust with her thought she left the room... After barely avoiding her death from one of the vampire traps.

The next day Hiei came into her room, grabbed her by the shoulders, drew his face close to hers, and looked her in the eyes. Then he turned spineless. So he cleared his throat and asked her, "You know if the world ends in 2012 it'll end on your birthday?"

"Hiei, my birthday's not in December. You know that," Mukuro asked.

"Oh. Well, we get paid that day. Um, there's something else I have to tell you." He felt the blood rush to his face. He cleared his throat and stared into eyes again. "...My finger points."

"Really, Hiei? Really?" She knew that wasn't his real message so she decided she should tell him something herself. "Look, Hiei, I've thought about it and have been for a while. And I'd understand if you'd want to forget that I said this but I..."

Kirin entered the room. "Um... Shigure has a pen in his hand now..."

"How?!" Hiei growled.

"Well, he was taking a pen out of me. When it got taken out of me he accidentally got it stuck in himself. It's been happening all day/"

"And how did it get into you in the first place?"

"Does that really matter right now?" Collective stare. "I see we're all in a stalemate. I'll go do it myself. But if he dies, it's all YOUR (indicating Hiei) fault." He walked out.

Hiei grumbled, "What about her?" Long silence. "Look, I just remembered that I did find a way to send out my message. I have it right here." He handed Mukuro a note.

"Too bad I can't read Spanish." She handed it back to him.

"What? How did it...?" Sure enough, the note read as follows: "Sus gatos son como pescados en un fuego y pasteles y chocolates y chocolates. Me gusta sus caballos en la mar. Arroz con pollo. Pelo! Pelp! Pelo! Concocia un hombre. No, inventa esto. Pelo! Pelo! Holocausto del camello. Holocausto del camello. Huh. I didn't know I had the lyrics to this song. Do you have a violin?"

"Yeah, I have it next to my Tsar Bomb and Samurai sword and unicorn trap. Let me get it out. That's perfectly reasonable to assume that I..."

"Hey, I found one under your table..." He held it up.

"...Is it me or are things making less and less sense? And since when did you know how to play a violin?"

"I don't know. Just shut up and accept it. I'll get my message to you this time, just you wait!" And so he began to play. He played it like a pro. It was like listening to the soothing sound of wind caressing the leaves on a midsummer's night. Until... The string snapped in his face. "Oh god, my eye!"

He ran out. Mukuro shook her head. Why are you making this so difficult? But then again, what will it take for me to take the courage to do what you yourself have trouble with? Why is so easy to say it in our mind and spell it out on paper but yet it's so difficult to say it aloud? I think the time's come.

About a couple of hours later (at which point Hiei's eye was apparently not a problem) they met in some fanciful training room that happened to come into existence only at the time this story is taking place. For what they're training for, neither of them know. But it makes them feel important- assuming that neither one is interesting in becoming king of all the demons... And buying Kuwabara a new hot rod that's on fire. Of course, such details are quite illogical, you know.

During the training Hiei conveniently fell on top of Mukuro. She looked up at him and said sarcastically, "Well, this is convenient."

"Y-yeah..." And they stared into each other's eyes.

She broke the stare. "Get off. Suppose someone were to walk in?"

"Who's going to walk in?"

"You're missing the point, Hiei."

"Yeah, but really, who's going to walk in?"

Kurama walked in with a sunny smile on his face like he consumed a thousand Pixiesticks. Once he saw what was going on, he turned a bit red and looked more than a little appalled. "Oh... Oh dear... I think I'll just leave you two alone for a few minutes... Or half an hour... Or one... No, make that a couple. Sorry for the intrusions? ...And before I go I'll advise you to lock the door next time."

"Kurama you're getting the wrong idea!" Hiei growled as he rolled off Mukuro and stood up.

"Well anyone's grandmother would have seen this and thought that you two were clearly about to get it on!"

"What the hell do you want?!"

"I just wanted to pay you a visit. I'll just leave you to your personal matters then." He walked out.

"Now he thinks I'm some kind of sex pervert," he sighed irritably. "This is pretty messed up... And ridiculous!"

"What other kind of pervert is there?" Mukuro asked. "And the only one being ridiculous here in you. I mean, it was your fault for not getting off me when I told you to."

"Look, there's something I have to tell you..."

"You think?"

He shook his head at her. "I... Look, Mukuro, I love you, okay! I love you and it's like a waterfall waiting to explode or a spaceship going underwater or an egg in the freezer! I get up in the morning and I think of you and the way your voice sounds! And I'll keep getting up with you on my mind whether you're okay with that or not! If you're not then I respect that too but I just want you to know that... I... I think sea lions are like magical penguins..." Weakly.

She raised her eyebrows and then she smiled. "I think sea lions are like magical penguins, too. Pretty passionately at that."

"That... is the most ridiculous think I've heard."

"Yes, but isn't being in love with someone and having them love you too... Isn't that equally illogical because love doesn't have to make sense... I love you too."

"Yeah... It really is, isn't it?" They stared into each other's eyes and just as the space was about to close...

"I don't mean to be a burden but..." Kurama walked in with a fountain pen lodged in his right thigh. "I happened to get this stuck in me... Could you maybe tell me if there's a doctor in the house?"


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