Horror Movie Ch 1 The Beginning
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-13
Published: 2012-07-09 16:47:42
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Humor, Yusuke, Keiko, Kurama, Kuwabara, Yukina, Hiei, Mukuro

And so Yusuke manages to get Keiko, Kuwabara, Yukina, Hiei, Mukuro, and Kurama to go to the movies. Little do they know that they will face a horde of zombies!

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
Still don't own Yuyu Hakusho in the same way that Dracula pwns Edward Cullen. This was originally written when I was a high school freshman. It's been how many years...? Time sure flies. Yes, this is after the end of the series. Mao is a card game that is played without speaking- except for the aces and any other rules applied. When you get to one card left you really have to say, "One card left." I could tell you the rules I was started off with if you're curious. The Grudge was originally a Japanese movie. As Ju-on.I heard it kind of sucked. Leatherface was based on Ed Gein. He was one sick guy. Basically, he killed women and put on their skin. I dunno how to explain it. Wikipedia, get over here. I think Hiei might be from Raizen's territory. I might be wrong. No one seems to know. There must always be a zombie with a red shirt.
Chapter 1
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Chapter 1: The Beginning. ("OMG So scary!")

Kurama and Kuwabara sat at the table playing a suspenseful game of Mao when Yusuke ran into the room, half breaking the door.

"Guys! We gotta go to the movies," Yusuke said, slapping them both on the back. The two both looked up at him and went back to playing, both feeling the urge to say something come over them. But when you have three cards left on both sides, it's not worth getting a penalty. "Dude, what the hell? Why aren't you talking? Are you saying that it's a dumb idea cause then you're dumb! ….Okay say something…"

The two both said "One card left" at the same time.

"Are you guys in a cult or something?"

"No, we're playing Mao, stupid," Kuwabara replied. He kicked the table when he realized he got a penalty. The game ended with Kurama's turn. "Darn it, you made me lose, Urameshi. And I don't see why you can't just go alone."

"But it would be boring if it were just me and Keiko. We could always triple date."

There was a long silence. "Gee, Urameshi, you're really gonna share Keiko like that? Is she okay with this?"

"Dumb ass! Haven't you ever heard of…? You bring Yukina and Kurama bring… Kurama… Kurama, who're you gonna bring?" Yusuke turned to Kurama.

"Well, I don't have a girlfriend or anything so…" Kurama answered simply. He shrugged.

"Wha…? But you're always surrounded by girls. You're worse than a guy in a harem anime."

"Well, that may be true but maybe I just don't want a girlfriend. Maybe later I would… So I guess you could just go without me and tell me what it's like."

"But it's The Grudge 2!"

"I've watched that three times already and it's just the same thing as the first one." Now why Kurama decided to watch a movie he didn't really like three times is a mystery.

"Oh you damn people… Okay how about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning? See, it's so scary that all the letters are capitalized in the title."

Kurama saw he couldn't win this one. "O… Okay, I guess I'll go." Come to think of it, why are American movies being played in Japan in the first place?

"Hell yeah! This movie's gonna kick ass. Oh. I just got another idea. Invite Hiei so we can all watch this shit together. That bum needs to come over here more often." Yusuke shoved Kurama out of the door. "Call him."

And Kurama was sad because he was kicked out of his own house.


Kurama was able to come back in twenty minutes later. He waved into his room, look out an address book, which was buried somewhere in his anti-fangirl pepper spray and garlic (also to ward off yaoi fangirls). He flipped through it, only to realize that he didn't write down any names- just the numbers and addresses. He dialed the first number he saw.

"Is this Hiei?" Kurama asked. "Why are you asking me if I'm eighteen? No, I'm nineteen actually. You want me to what? I'm wearing a shirt and some jeans, I guess… You want me to…? You kn- you know what I'm going- I'm going to hang up." And so he did.

His mother called from the hall, "Shuichi? Who are you talking to?"

"It was just grandma, Mom," Kurama replied. He shook his head and tried another number.


Hiei heard the sound of a phone ringing and he wandered the halls to find the source of it. He came across one in the hall, one which was placed under the disturbing mouth on the wall. Of course, Hiei being Hiei found that perfectly normal.

Hiei picked up the suddenly existing phone and answered it. Immediately Kurama said, "Hiei! Man, I'm glad you picked up. I went through six phone sex lines. Six. It was awful."

Hiei didn't actually know how you could combine the two, either way, he didn't really give a crap. "What do you want?"

"Yusuke wanted me to invite you to go to the movies with us. He wants us to triple date. It might actually be considered a quadruple date at this point, though."

"Tri… I really don't play for that team, you bastard. We both know that."

"No, he means he's bringing Keiko."

"I don't even like her."

"You really need to let people finish… Kuwabara would take Yukina. (That was like poison to Hiei's ears. Especially considering that he's basically the weird brother people in sitcoms say is a turnoff.) I could go by myself and you would just take Mukuro."

Okay, that's even more poison there. At least it's not as bad as Kuwabara and Yukina. It did make Hiei facepalm. "Ugh…"

"Was that for Kuwabara and Yukina or Mukuro and you?"

"Both actually."

"Why? it's not like Kuwabara would really… You know, force her to do something she doesn't want to. Yukina's old enough to take care of herself and she knows her own boundaries so if for some reason Kuwabara does something- and you and I both know that he wouldn't do anything to her, just admit it Hiei- then she can take care of it herself without you having to jump in. No about you and…"

"Can't I just go alone if I have to come?"

"Why? It's not like you're obligated to do anything to each other."

"I really hope not." Really missing the point here.

"If you go alone then people might think we're dating each other and you're just using Mukuro as a cover up or Mukuro dumped you and you got desperate." Oh, Kurama, that won't work.

"They won't think we're gay because they'll be too busy thinking you're a girl."

"Say that again… and I will rip out your trachea from your eye sockets…" Because that makes perfect sense.

Hiei also being Hiei has gotten many death threats so this particular failure in biology did not faze him. "What if she doesn't want to go, did you think about that?"

"What if she does? She's never been to the Human World as far as we know so she might enjoy it (Sure, in the same way a person enjoys going to a farm when they pick out their kill, Hiei thought. He really hoped Kurama thought of that.) You never know. Did you even ask her if she would ever want to see us? She's pretty much one of the group now."

And Hiei did a bad impersonation of Mukuro. Meaning he just lowered his voice and added an obviously fake British accent. "I know she doesn't want to go because I am her. Now…"

"Hiei, I know it's you. You answered to Hiei."

"We answer to each other's names now."

"Cute. But that doesn't change the fact that you're Hiei."

"No, I'm…"

"Mukuro's more soft spoken, Hiei, and last time I checked, she wasn't British. Your voice is louder, has a rasp to it, and it's kind of nasally. And she's also got some roughness to her voice, too. Don't forget that…"

Somehow it surprised Hiei that his plan failed. "Well, maybe I don't want her to come."

"What if she finds out you left without her and feels left out? And you know what that means, Hiei? She's start thinking you don't like her as much as you used to and that you're seeing other women. WE all know what happens after that." Can you say "slippery slope?"

"I doubt she'll find out. She's always asleep during the day. And I can leave any time I want, you know that?"

"It's at night, actually. If she sleeps all day, what does she do at night?"

"I really don't care. And I'm not taking her, so shut…"

"Why not? Are you fighting?"

"No." Hiei forgot that he could have put the phone down and ended this a long time ago.

"Hiei, you're not going to get anywhere unless you tell me."

"Fine. I can't ask her."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"Hiei, you mean to tell me that you can confess your love for her without a problem but you can't ask her out. That's really kind of backwards. Asking her out should be a piece of cake." Which is a lie.

"Well, it isn't so quit asking. I'm going to hang up."

"Why not?"

"Because I've never been on a date in my life and I never will and I won't ask Mukuro even if my life depended on it." He slammed the receiver down and he unplugged the phone just for good measure. He turned around to see Mukuro standing there. "Holy…! How long have you been standing there?"

"I was looking for the source of the ringing. It woke me up," Mukuro replied.


Karasu was doing the moonwalk in the afterlife. Oddly enough somewhere in the great country of Gandara, Yomi was also doing the moonwalk. But that happens to be besides the point. Yusuke, Keiko, Kuwabara, Yukina, and Kurama were all standing in line… A line that wasn't moving… And a line that was only composed of those five people.

As Kuwabara went back and forth as to whether Yukina would really want to see the movie (because unbeknownst to him, Yukina was a real horror movie fan), Yusuke asked Kurama, "So did you get Hiei and Mukuro to show up?"

"I did call Hiei but I don't think he's coming," Kurama said with a shrug. "But if he was going to come, I don't think you'll see Mukuro. He made it pretty clear that he was afraid to ask her."

"So he can confess his love for her easily and not ask her out? That's really backwards. What, did they do the deed and decide that they would date after that was over too?"

"I… guess…?"

Someone tapped Yusuke on the shoulder and he turned around to see Hiei and Mukuro. His eyes widened, trying to figure out if his eyes were deceiving him. "O… Okay, so you guys decided to show?"

"I heard about the phone call… I've never been to the Human World. I just wanted to know what it was like," Mukuro replied. "Considering that Hiei was kind enough to tell me about this himself…"

"I really hate you," Hiei grumbled.

"I'm sure you do."

Kuwabara stopped his attempts to persuade Yukina long enough to notice Mukuro. "Who are you? Are you Hiei's girlfriend?"

She glanced at Hiei. "If I must…"

Kuwabara didn't say it, but he was glad that Mukuro wasn't a guy. He still had trouble believing that Mukuro was a girl, apparently. He also never played any of the Metroid games. She probably saw right through that but she didn't say anything. "You… Hiei should let you get out more!"

"…I'm not forced to stay home."

More awkward silence.

"…Can we just go in right now?"


So they were halfway through the movie… Kuwabara leaned over to Yusuke and asked, "Hey, Urameshi, why do they keep making these kinds of movies? I mean, a guy coming at you with a chainsaw… I don't wanna know when he started it or why. I'd just keep running. And how do we know all this is true if The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a true story? Did they go and ask the family or the victims? Either way it won't work? Urameshi?"

"Shut up and watch the movie," Yusuke growled as he checked his watch, only to realize he didn't have a watch.

Mukuro actually agreed with Yusuke. The movie was quite boring. Obviously face ripping was much different and more exciting in real life. And she should know, she's done it before. She glanced at Hiei and cocked a brow. "Are you… are you getting scared?"

"No, I'm not! Shut up!" Hiei hissed. "Watch the movie."

"Okay, you're shaking."

"It's from anticipation."

"You want a hug to make you feel better?"

Hiei stood up. "No." He noticed he was gaining stares from the other five in the theater, and he sat down. "Dammit, don't look at me!" The other five looked away, shrugging. "I hate you all."

Yusuke finally cracked. "Man… This movie sucks." He jumped to his feet, almost knocking the popcorn over. "I'm getting my money back."

"I think it's a good movie," Yukina replied, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"But that's obviously a computer generated effect. There's more blood and flesh flying around when you cut a person's face off," Mukuro said as though it was a perfectly normal statement to make.

"Yeah, what she just said," Yusuke added. "I'm going to get my money back." They all followed him out and watched as he kicked the door to the manager's office. "Hey, open up, bitch!"

"Yusuke, I don't think he's in… I think we should just at least watch it until it's over…" Keiko said just so she could avoid having to argue with management.

"Watch me, Keiko! I'm getting this d-bag to open up…" The door opened and out walked a zombie in a red shirt. Hiei screamed and pulled out a Winchester rifle, blowing its head off.

When everyone stared at him, he said, "I don't want to get zombie syphilis, do you?"

"Hiei, that's a lie created by the liberal media," Mukuro replied.

"You're a communist, Mukuro, what the hell gives you the right to criticize liberals, you damn dirty commie!"

"It was created by Yomi, so I do have a right, actually. You're from Raizen's territory so if anything I should be making your happy ass stay outside."

"Um… Guys…" Yukina interrupted the political FOX News worthy debate to point out the zombies walking into the building.

"It's all Hiei's fault for killing the zombie director," Yusuke said.

"My fault? Do you want zombie syphilis?"

"I think you should worry more about zombie herpes."

"Zombie syphilis makes you fall apart and go insane."

"That's what zombies already do, Hiei," Mukuro said, rolling her eyes.

The zombies started to attack everyone but Kuwabara. Kuwabara immediately whined, "Why are none going after me?"

"You want them to?" Mukuro asked.


"Then consider yourself lucky."

"And what is That supposed to mean?"

"Let's get out of here! We can't fight them," Yusuke screamed and they all ran into the nearest room… The one showing the Care Bears Movie. And the zombies were enjoying ut. The zombies noticed their presence and started to go after them.

"Quick! There's the fire exit!" Kurama said and they all followed him out. They looked around. "There's a car."

Hiei ran over, picked the lock and took the driver's seat.

"Hold on, do you know how to drive this thing?" Kuwabara asked as he put on his seat belt.

"Yeah, are you stupid?"

"And you can see the road."

"Your mom can see the road fine."

"Don't talk about my mama, punk!" And Kuwabara cried over a picture of his mom.

"Anyway…" Hiei looked down. "Was it the left one that was the brake or the right one? I think the right one is the gas…"

"Hiei, I don't think you should drive. We all value our lives, you know," Mukuro said.

"Your mom doesn't think you should drive."

"If only I knew… But no, no she doesn't."

"Okay. Shut up." Hiei started to drive away.

"Hiei, where exactly did you learn to drive?" Yusuke asked.


"I swear to god if you say 'Your mom' again I'll…" Yusuke was interrupted by Yukina's screaming.

"Mr. Hiei, I think you ran someone over…" Yukina whimpered.

"Probably a zombie. They're already dead anyway. You shouldn't make contact with the outside of the car though. Not unless you want…"

"Oh you just hit another!"

"Is it possible for you not to hit them? They make a gross sound when you do," Keiko added.

"You just passed a red," Mukuro pointed out.

Hiei slammed on the brakes, causing her to hit her head on the dashboard. "Are you happy now, you commie?"

"…I'm too unconscious to respond. I also taste blue."

"Just drive! They're surrounding us!" Kurama screamed, despite everyone being less than a foot apart.

"Where are we going anyway?" Hiei asked.

"It doesn't matter. We just need to go!"

Little do they know what dangers await…

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