Horror Movie Ch 4 Needless Things
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-13
Published: 2012-07-09 16:56:05
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Humor, Yusuke, Keiko, Kurama, Kuwabara, Yukina, Hiei, Mukuro, Raizen, Beautiful Suzuka

Le gasp! Keiko is possessed!

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
For those curious, Deus Ex Machina means "God as the machine." It comes from the conventions of Greek theater in which an actor would be carried away by the gods, as what happened at the end of Medea. What, don't act like that's a huge spoiler. So, to answer Kuwabara's question. Yes. Yes, it is.
Chapter 4
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Chapter 4: Needless Things

Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama were sitting in the entertainment room, on the moldy couch that smelled like something in between cats and pee. Maybe that was the reason Mukuro didn't want to sit on there, seeing how she wasn't comfortable with either one.

Kurama suddenly sat up. "Oh! I just remembered. There's a white candle in the closet next to the bedroom Keiko and Yukina are in. There was this sign in there that said something about how if a virgin touches it, it'll turn on and then a witch'll come."

"Dude, seriously?" Yusuke asked.

"Hey, if you're at risk, don't touch it. I just wanted to give a heads up."

"You mean this candle?" They three all turned in horror to look at Mukuro. They sighed with relief when it didn't light up. "I tried to turn it on and it didn't light. So that explains a lot."

Hiei walked in the room at that moment. "You need me to light that?"

"Wait, don't…" He already took it. His eyes widened when the candle lit up and then he gave her a look like she was joking. "Hiei. You shouldn't have touched that candle."


Then the room was filled with a cackling laughter. They all ran to the closet where the laughing was coming from. Kurama opened the door and slammed it because it was juts Elder Toguro laughing again. Then they heard another set of laughter and they all ran into the dining room. There on the table was none other than the Queen of being FABULOUS was… Suzu- I mean, the Beautiful Suzuka!

"Yes, this is all so perfect. You have awoken mne from my slumber!" Suzuka laughed. "Ahem, narrator!" Breaking the fourth wall… Okay, fine, the beautiful Suzuka laughed. "Much better. Now who was the person who touched the candle?"

Everyone pointed at Hiei. Hiei found a mushroom and flipped it off, then proceeded to flip everyone else off.

"Why do men always touch my candles? I can't feed upon the soul of a man. Therefore I must feed upon the soul of a virgin woman. Tell me, are there any other virgins in the house?"

"No, this guy's the only one. We were going to have an orgy to take care of this. The other girls are in the other room readying the whips and handcuffs so we can teach him for putting on this purity ring." Mukuro held it up. Apparently she convinced the Beautiful Suzuka because he disappeared, sighing. She noticed the others were staring at her. "I had to tell him something, didn't I?"

"Can we just forget this happened? I might have nightmares from that image…" Kuwabara sat down, shivering, deeply glad that poor innocent Yukina wasn't here to hear Mukuro say such vile things.

There was a scream from the bedroom and they all ran into the hall. There they saw Yukina covered with a mysterious thick liquid. They all stared at her, confused. Hiei walked up to her, ran a finger through it and tasted it.

"It tastes strange… Like… Pea soup…" Hiei raised a brow, puzzled.

"Hiei, I think that's vomit," Mukuro said.

"Eh, not the first time that happened. You know I was once in the desert without any water so what I had to do was…"

"I don't wanna hear it. And there's a reason that comes out of you."



"What happened, Yukina?" Kuwabara asked.

"Well, I was talking to Keiko about how awesome it would be if they made a movie about wraths eating souls and then- then she collapsed. And then just when I was about to get you guys when she sat up… And then she kind of vomited this all over me," Yukina replied.

"This can only mean one thing, you guys…" Kurama stood in the shadows, then walked to a shady window, and closed the curtain. "Well, first of all we need to find a bathtub in this house and wash off Yukina and then… Keiko has been…." They all stopped and checked their watches as Kurama paused. "…POSSESSED!"

"NO!" Yusuke screamed. He then turned to Mukuro and punched her in the face. "You bitch, why would you do that do Keiko? What'd she ever do to you? She only said your hair looks funny from the back."

"Uh, would I even be standing here if I possessed Keiko? And there's nothing I have against her. In fact, I was aware that my hair looks like that…" No she wasn't and she was saddened, remembering that Hiei never told her anything when she did something with her hair like… changing the part or something.

"Yusuke, none of us will ever want to possess Keiko. She's just the boring normal girl with no interesting qualities at all. In fact, she's only possessed because she's the only human female here," Hiei said.

Yusuke punched him in the face. "Keiko is not normal! In fact she's like… She's… Well, here's another punch in the face for giving me mental images of you and Mukuro going at it!"

"You guys…" Kurama cut in. "I'd honor this ritual to end your bromance but right now, the more we leave Keiko possessed by Suzuka the harder it'll be to get them separated. I should know, I'm a fox," Kurama replied.

"Stupid fox."

"Now that was just uncalled for." They all gathered into the room and threw Keiko/Suzuka onto the bed. And tied her up, probably, not that it stopped pea soup from getting tossed around.

"Okay, now what?" Yusuke asked. Kurama shrugged. "What do you mean you don't know? You're the one who suggested an exorcism!"

"It's the best solution. How should I know how to do this? Do I look like an exorcist to you? And I'm a demon anyway so I couldn't do it," Kurama replied.

"Go fuck yourself with a jackhammer then! Dick!"

"I think there's a good herb or root that can help with this. It's known by many names. Mainly Пирог Устрицы Турции and トルコオイスターケーキ and Auster-Kuchen von Türkei. For the sake of time, let's just call it the Root of Enlightenment. I think we can just go and look for one somewhere in the house." Kurama paused. "On the other hand we could just walk away and leave her here."

"And do what?"


"Did someone give you a dick juice today?"

"Even if that didn't sound disgusting when taken literally…"

"Hey, shut up, Kurama. I don't see you saying anything witty."

"Wait- I know someone we can ask," Mukuro said. They all turned to her and stared at her. She hates when people stare at her like that and was about to comment on it. She decided not to. Instead she decided to stretch out the silence so that it was more dramatic when she revealed the answer. Like heads exploding, shirts flying off, confetti everywhere dramatic. Hiei, who hates silence like Mukuro hates chocolate eggs and yaoi, kicked her in the shins. She returned the favor by elbowing him in the gut as she said, "We should ask… Ghost Raizen."

"Oh my god, that's so bri- Wait, who's Ghost Raizen?" Kuwabara asked.

"No, not that dick! He ruins my days!" Hiei growled.

"What, Hiei, you're not one too?" Mukuro asked.

"You don't need another in your life."

"If that were the case I would have dropped you a long time ago, but instead I swallow this whole thing and give myself tumors. And it's also not my fault that he beat you to it."

"…You don't really believe all that do you?" Silence. "…Mukuro…? ….Baw…"

"We'll talk about it later." It was even more silent. "Anyone have chalk so I can summon him?"

"No, I'm summoning him! Screw you, Mukuro. You're just saying weird things that… Just don't talk for the rest of the chapter! Okay?" Yusuke growled. He pulled out some magic chalk and drew a circle. The circle glowed and then a figure stepped out of it. It was….. Ghost Raizen!

"Who awakes me from my slumber so that I can eat your souls or kill you in seven days after you get a phone after watch-" Raizen was cut off by Hiei.

"Cut the crap, Raizen. Mukuro said that you could help us with the exorcism. So… Go in there and fix it," Hiei said.

"…I did your girlfriend a while back."

"…That doesn't scare me. And I know for a fact that it isn't true. Right Mukuro?" She shrugged. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Say something! Yusuke, this is your fault."

"And you wanna know something else? Your mother sucks cocks in hell."

"That's not…" He ran into a corner and started to cry.

"Ha. Works on him every time." Only Raizen! "Imma go back 2 mah ghostworld eh"

"Dude, Raizen, we need your help. Someone got possessed and we don't know what to do. We were thinking you could help us out with that," Yusuke said.

"A possession? I'm a master at that one! I'll do it for my heir." And so he danced a little jig and floated away. Then he came back when he realized that he had no idea where the heck he was supposed to be going. They led him into the room where Keiko was tied up to the bed, puking up more pea soup- except this time it had ham. "Curious case… Have you gotten that one root that's supposed to make her throw it up?"

"That wasn't a lie?" Yusuke's jaw dropped as he looked at Kurama, who had such a smug smile that he could imagine a lolcat caption stating "Smug faux is pleezed with achievements" He shook his head. "I don't think there's one here."

"Damn. Plan B's getting an insane mask and making her look at it. The ghost's supposed to get scared and jump out. Anyone have one?" Raizen looked at them all. And everyone (except Mukuro) shrugged. "Okay, fine. Mukuro get over here and show her the screwed up side of your face."

"That side of her face is amazing! Shut up!" Hiei screamed from the corner.

"Oh shut up and go play some eroge, or whatever kids these days play." He turned to Mukuro who frowned. "Oh come on it's the only way." She crossed her arms and looked the other way. "You flash it at people every day, how is this different." Starts tapping toe. "Oh, so you're just gonna let this girl sit here and puke all day? Why aren't you talking?" (Kurama glanced at Yusuke, who quickly looked away.) He knew she wasn't going to budge so he sighed. "Fine- plan C. I'm gonna jump in that body and kick out her professor."

"Raizen, I believe the word is 'possessor,'" Kurama said. Raizen threw a dead mushroom at him and then proceeded to enter Keiko's body. "This is bad. This is very bad."

"You mean the part about Raizen entering…?" Kuwabara asked.

"Not that. You're… Two demons can inhabit the same body at the same time. It could cause some serious complications. I know because this guy and I decided to try it on a dare and their head exploded."

"Why didn't you say this before he did what he did? You're a jerk!"

Then Keiko broke the ropes holding her down and she sat up, opened her mouth and Suzuka came out of her mouth screaming. She clutched at her throat, eyes widened in terror as Raizen came out of her mouth as well. A couple of tears dropped out of each of her eyes before she collapsed back onto the bed. Yusuke rushed to her side as he watched Raizen whack Suzuka over the head with a chair- the move he saw on Wrestling last night.

"You think it's time we get out of here?" Kurama whispered in Kuwabara's ear. He nodded and they all walked out of the house on the tips of their toes- with Yusuke carrying Keiko, who was starting to wake up again. They walked into the garage in hopes of finding a car, and they did.

"…Why didn't we think of this earlier?" Kuwabara asked. "Isn't this what they call Deus Ex Machina?"

They all ignored him of course because there was enough breaking of the fourth wall for them to take anymore. And so they got into the car, Yusuke got out to open the door and Mukuro, who was driving started the car up. They hit a bump.

"That was so weird… I don't remember there being a bump right there," Keiko said.

Mukuro turned around. She opened her mouth to speak…

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Chapter 4
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